


Break Up With Your Girlfriend (I'm Bored)

by ZeAwesomeBirdie



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Hospitals, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-06-30 10:29:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19851274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZeAwesomeBirdie/pseuds/ZeAwesomeBirdie
Summary: Dwalin and Dis have been fake dating for the entirety of college, until Nori, one of Dwalin's classmates, makes a move.





	Break Up With Your Girlfriend (I'm Bored)

**Author's Note:**

> TW: PANIC ATTACKS AND HOSPITALS  
> I'M SERIOUS

Nori Keri was not excited by the sorority dance at Erebor State University. He had slipped in in the hopes of hooking up with some hot chick, but was most definitely not impressed with the pickings. Even the men here were just freshmen, and as a senior, he was not interested, at all. And then he spied Dwalin Fundin, sitting on a plush couch with some girl he could only assume to be his girlfriend, and felt his heart begin to pound.

Dwalin was wearing a ESU sweatshirt and tight jeans, and his corded necklace was a simple silver axe. The girl he was with looked positively gorgeous, but not nearly as much as Dwalin did. Nori wondered why he hadn't thought of Dwalin as attractive before, as they shared some of the same classes.

Then the girl left his side, and Nori decided it was now or never. He casually strolled over and took a seat beside Dwalin.

"Hey, you're Dwalin, right? I'm Nori Keri, I think we share some classes," he said, leaning in a little closer than necessary.

"Yeah, I recognize you," Dwalin said, leaning in slightly. He was uncomfortable, but clearly the interest was there, and Nori could see it. Closeted, maybe?

"Well, could I interest you in a dance, Dwalin?" Nori asked.

"Oh, um, no thanks, I have a- I have a girlfriend." His deep voice broke on the last word, and Nori could tell it was a fake relationship.

"Come on, break up with your girlfriend, I'm bored." Then Nori stood, reaching out and grabbing Dwalin's hand and pulling him up after him.

When Dwalin was standing, Nori leaned in and kissed him. The bigger man didn't pull back, but instead sloppily kissed him back. Clearly he wasn't used to being kissed. His fake didn't even kiss him?!

* * *

"Thorin, Bilbo, stop making out for two seconds and come check this out!" Dis Durinson called across the kitchen to her brother and his boyfriend. "Dwalin's making out with some guy!"

Thorin Durinson stepped back from Bilbo Baggins just long enough to glance her way and say, "Good for him, is he finally out?"

"No! He didn't even tell me he was meeting someone!"

"Dis, you're his fake girlfriend AND his cousin," Bilbo said through Thorin's kissing. "Why do you care?"

"Because if he keeps this up the whole damn school will know he's gay, and he said he didn't want that! That's why we're 'dating', anyway!"

"So go stop the other guy, Dis! Stop complaining in here!" Thorin exclaimed, shooting a look her way before turning back to Bilbo.

"Ok FINE I will!" Dis practically shouted, startling some freshmen girls walking past the kitchen to the stairs. She then stalked out of the kitchen into the living room, and made her way to her cousin.

"Dwalin! What the FUCK do you think you're doing?!" she yelled over the music.

Dwalin immeadiately jumped away from Nori, who had been pressed up tight against him. Nori gave her a dirty look.

"And just who might YOU be," he asked, clearly irritated at being interupted.

"I am Dis Durinson, and I know all about you, Nori Keri." She spat his name as if it were poison in her mouth. "Stay away from my boyfriend, you whore."

"I'm no whore, just someone who loves a good fuck."

As they went back and forth, trading insults and the like, Dwalin couldn't help but find his heart beating faster then it had ever beat before. He was afraid he was going to go into a panic attack, then Nori swung a fist at Dis.

She blocked the first one but missed the second, which landed squarely on her nose. The crunch was audible over the music, and blood came back with Nori's fist, when Dis shoved him back and punched him squarely in the jaw.

"Stay the FUCK away from me and my boyfriend!" Dis screamed, threating him with another punch by lifting her fist a little higher.

Nori held his jaw and ran from the living room, headed to the front door.

"You. Come with me," Dis commanded, grabbing Dwalin by the wrist and dragging him to the kitchen.

When they were in the relatively quiet kitchen, Dis rounded on her cousin.

"What were you thinking?! The whole fucking school will know you're gay if you keep this shit up!"

"He was cute and-"

"I don't care how cute he was! Do you really want to come out by kissing some random man at a sorority party?!" Dis was pacing, something she only did when she was really pissed, and she didn't seem to notice the blood pouring off her face and onto her blue dress and the tiled floor.

"Dis! What happened?!" Bilbo interjected, finally breaking apart from Thorin long enough to notice the amount of blood she was losing.

"I got punched but I'm fine, go away Bilbo." She turned back to Dwalin. "You fucking IMBECILE! Are you trying to ruin your life?!"

"Dis! We are going to the hospital right now! Thorin, get her some towels and ice!" Bilbo jumped off the counter he had been sitting on, and started trying to lead her out of the kitchen.

Thorin got the towels and ice, and handed them off to Dwalin, who was forceably moving his cousin out of the house. She ranted the whole way to Thorin's car, Dwalin trying to lead her and ice her nose at the same time.

Bilbo offered to drive, Thorin gratefully accepted. He may or may not have drank too much. Dwalin helped Dis into the backseat, and got in on the other side.

"We are going to the godDAMN HOSPITAL AND THAT'S FINAL, DIS," Bilbo shouted over her ranting.

Dis instantly quieted, hearing the normaly calm man swear for once. Dwalin silently thanked him, then nabbed Dis' hand and placed it in the ice on her nose. She held the ice there.

"I'm sorry, Dwalin. Were you thinking of maybe dating him?" she asked quietly.

"Don't date Nori Keri, he's a slut who'll do anything for a quick tumble," Thorin interjected.

Dwalin grunted, then said, "He's in some of my classes, I think I'll get to know him and make that decision myself, cousin."

Thorin stayed silent.

Bilbo piped up as his turned off campus towards the hospital, "He's pretty cute, huh Dwalin?"

"Yeah," Dwalin muttered, looking out the window so no one could see his blush.

"So what classes do you share," Bilbo prompted.

"History of Arda. Photography. Classical Westron."

"Oh that's intersting!" Bilbo said, trying to keep the silence from spreading. "It must be nice to share classes with someone you're interested in!"

He blew a kiss at Thorin, who blushed, and the two in the backseat made vomiting sounds.

"Yeah but how about his reputation?" Dis asked.

"Anyone can change, you know. You of all people should know that, Dis, at twenty-two and two babies at home."

"Oh shut up, Bilbo. You're supposed to be my friend." Dis scowled at him, but he missed it in the darkness.

"Hey look at that, the hospital," Dwalin said. He really did feel like he was going to have a panic attack now. He tried to calm his breathing.

* * *

When the four walked into the ER, they noticed Nori Keri sitting in the waiting room, a bag of ice to his jaw. He groaned and turned away from them.

"Go talk to him," Bilbo whispered to Dwalin while Thorin helped Dis check in.

Dwalin didn't need a second prompting. He walked over to Nori and stuck his hand out.

"What do you want? Haven't you caused enough trouble tonight?" Nori muttered at him.

"Dis isn't actually my girlfriend. She's my cousin, pretending to be my girlfriend so that nobody knows I'm gay. But I think… I think…" As Dwalin spoke, his voice got slower and he noticed the panic rising. By the time he trailed off, he was almost entirely nonverbal, and starting to sink to his knees.

Nori jumped up, yelled out for a nurse, and grabbed for Dwalin before he hit the ground.

"It's ok, breathe for me," he told him, and it took all of Dwalin's concentration to nod in answer.

He took a rattling breath, then another. Then everything went black.

* * *

"Get a FUCKING NURSE OVER HERE NOW!" Nori screamed, wincing at the pain in his jaw.

He pulled off his sweatshirt and put it behind Dwalin's head. He checked for the taller man's pulse, but it was weak and very very fast. Dis, Bilbo, and Thorin were standing near, and the women behind the desk had called for a team to come.

"Back off," Nori hissed to Dwalin's friends. They immeadiately stepped back.

A pair of ER workers came up, bearing a stretcher.

"Ok, let's get him back there. You, relation?" one of the workers said to Nori.

"Um. Boyfriend," he said quickly.

He glared at Dis, Bilbo and Thorin as he went past with the workers.

* * *

It was about half an hour before Dwalin awoke. He sat up too quickly, and the room began to spin. Leaning back, he looked around the room and first noticed Nori sitting next to him.

"Where's Dis?" he scraped out, vocal cords burning. He didn't want to talk.

"She's getting seen to, you just breathe. You scared me back there. Here, need a pad of paper to write on?"

When he nodded, Nori went to the door of the room and flagged down a nurse. After a quiet conversation, he came back with some paper and a pen.

"Here," he said, handing the paper and pen over to Dwalin.

Dwalin gave him a weak smile, then signed 'thank you'.

"Oh you sign. I don't. Sorry."

'It's fine,' Dwalin wrote. 'Why aren't my cousins here?'

"I'm not sure. Honestly, I'm not even sure why they took me seriously when I said I was your… boyfriend…" Nori sat back down and missed his chair, landing on the floor. He quickly stood, rubbing his back, and made it safely into his chair.

'Why would you say that?'

"Because from what you were saying before your panic attack, I know you like me. So, consider this our first date. I'd smile if it wouldn't hurt." Nori gave him a shrug, delighting in the blush that swept across Dwalin's face.

'What happened after I passed out?' Dwalin wrote after a second.

"You almost stopped breathing. You scared me, you know. I've had my fair share of panic attacks, but never one where I passed out."

Dwalin inspected Nori's face, and saw genuine concern there. He wrote, 'thank you. I don't usually get this level of care from someone I hardly know.'

"Oh, right. Um. I'm Nori Keri, I'm the middle of two other brothers, and my favorite food is cheesecake." This time Nori did smile, wincing as he did so.

Dwalin returned his smile. Just then a nurse walked in.

"Dwalin Fundin. Funny to see you here for something other than hockey," the nurse said.

Dwalin signed, 'Indeed.'

"We'll nab you an interpreter in a minute, before the doctor comes in." He smiled at him, and he smiled back.

After grabbing Dwalin's vitals, the nurse left them, only to return a few minutes later with an interpreter right behind.

After signing a greeting and his name, Dwalin gestured to Nori and signed his name as well. Nori started, then smiled nervously.

"Pleasure to meet you both," the interpreter said and signed. "We're just waiting on Doctor Oin."

Dwalin groaned. Oin was his least favorite doctor in the whole of the ER, because he was good friends with Dwalin's older brother, Balin, and always told him how to care for him after he went home.

When he signed this to the interpreter, she laughed.

"Don't worry, we can tell him not to do that this time," she said and signed.

Nori was thoroughly lost. He beckoned to the nuse, and said quietly, "I got punched in the face, can I have some ice? I had some in the waiting room, but when Dwalin passed out, well, you know." He smiled apologetically.

"Of course, were you see for that? We can have Doctor Oin look at you too," the nurse said.

"Not yet, kinda was worried about my boyfriend."

He nodded, then told Nori he'd be right back. Nori played with the term 'boyfriend' mentally, and decided he liked it. It had been a while since he had a partner of any gender, and he had to be honest, this was nice. When the nurse returned with his ice, he turned his attention back to Dwalin and the interpreter, who were apparently talking about hockey.

When Doctor Oin walked in, Dwalin rolled his eyes and signed, 'I'm fine, just a bad panic attack. Don't tell Balin, he'll just worry.'

"Now now Dwalin, what caused this?" Oin asked, takiing a seat on a stool at the end of the bed.

'I was at a party with Dis and Thorin Durinson, and Thorin's boyfriend Bilbo. I met someone, and I got a little anxious, because they were really really cute. Then Dis came over and punched them. Well, they punched Dis first, but she started it.'

Before he could continue, Oin held up a hand to silence him and ask a question, "Is this young person them?"

Dwalin blushed and nodded.

"Now I know why Dis has a broken nose. I just saw her, and she was screaming about not letting this young one near you. Why is that?"

'He has a reputation. But as you know, so does she.' Dwalin shrugged.

Nori held back a snicker, he'd have to ask what Dis' rep was after all of this was over.

"Yes, her pregnancies were quite the talk of the town, being from such a respectable family. Now, what happened next?"

'She dragged me to the kitchen and started yelling at me,' Dwalin continued, 'I tried to tell her I was ready to come out and this was how I wanted to do it, but she didn't listen.' Oin noddeed at this, completely understanding the fiesty Durinson. 'Well, Bilbo insisted she come here and get looked at, he thought she had her nose broken.'

"She did, good punch, not much gets past Dis Durinson!" Oin exclaimed, looking at Nori.

'So we came here, and Bilbo said to go talk to Nori, who was sitting in the waiting room, so I did. But when I was asking him on a date, I fell, and I guess I passed out and stopped breathing. That's where I've lost the narrative.' Dwalin shrugged.

"So you were with Dwalin when he lost consiousness," Oin asked Nori, who nodded. "Tell me, what happeneed?"

"Well, sir, we were talking, and he started talking slower and slower and started tapping his leg, and I recognized he was going into a panic attack. He started falling, so I grabbed him and helped him down, and put my sweatshirt as a pillow behind his head. Took a million fucking years for anyone to get here, of course."

Oin nodded. "You did good, Nori. Thank you for taking care of my family."

Nori tilted his head in return.

"Alright Dwalin, we're going to keep you until you can speak again. Sound good?" Oin said.

'That's ok with me,' Dwalin signed. 'Can I see my cousins now?'

"Do you want all three coming back?"

'Yes, sir.'

* * *

When all the officials had left, Dwalin scootched over to the far side of the bed and patted the space next to him, offering to let Nori sit with him.

'I'm sorry for all the tubes sticking out of me right now,' Dwalin wrote, smiling apologetically.

"Why'd they wire you up, anyway?" Nori asked as he climbed onto the bed and leaned back.

'Protocol. Every time I come here for a panic attack, they try fluids. It's ridiculous, really.'

"Hey, can I hold your other hand?"

Dwalin smiled and nodded, and took the offered hand.

'You're hot, you know,' he wrote, blushing.

"So are you. Can I kiss you or would that set off an alarm?"

Barking out a painful laugh, Dwalin caught Nori's chin in between his thumb and forefinger, and kissed him softly. Nori leaned in, ready to wrap his loose hand around Dwalin's neck, when a soft knock came from the door. They broke apart quickly, both blushing.

'Dwalin,' Dis signed. 'What the fuck are you doing with this scum?'

'It's rude to only sign when hearing people are present,' Dwalin signed back, giving her a pointed look.

Dis sighed. "Ok, why were you kissing this… person," she said.

Nori bristled beside him, and Dwalin placed a gentle hand on his knee. He knocked his forehead against Nori's, and Nori settled back.

Thorin and Bilbo had decided to sit against the wall, and were silently watching this exchange.

"If I may interject, Dis," Bilbo said after a second. "Don't you think Nori acted commendably, for having never seen Dwalin pass out?"

"How'd you even catch him?" Dis asked, rounding on Nori.

"I'm stronger than I look. How's that nose?" Nori retorted, smirking at the glare he got from her.

She had a very large splint over her nose, and was still dribbling blood. She decided to take a seat next to Thorin.

"Don't do stupid shit, you two," she said.

'Of course,' Dwalin signed. 'I never do stupid shit.'

"This whole situation is because you did stupid shit!" Dis said, voice raising. Thorin put his hand on her shoulder, and she shook it off.

Nori, who was leaning on Dwalin's shoulder, noticed his heartrate picking up.

"Uh, guys, I'm gonna run to the bathroom," he said, kissing Dwalin's cheek and standing.

As he left, he could feel Dis boring holes into his back. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her angrily sign at Dwalin. He shuddered, then went in search of the nurses' station.

"Hey, could we get Doctor Oin to remove Dis Durinson? She's giving Dwalin anxiety?" he said softly to the attending nurse.

When the nurse promised to get Doctor Oin as soon as possible, Nori went back after a few deep breaths himself. No use in him having a panic attack too. When he walked in, Dis was pacing and signing rapidly, and Dwalin's eyes were starting to glaze over. Bilbo had noticed, had instructed Thorin to calm his sister, then sat on the bed at Dwalin's side and was gently holding his hand.

"Thanks, Bilbo, was it?" Nori whispered as he got back into his spot next to Dwalin.

The small man nodded, smiling at him. "You're good for him, you knew just what to do. I wish you two luck. Now, let's get through this one," he said.

Dwalin had started to tap his leg, and Nori took that hand and kissed it. As if he was moving in a different time then they, Dwalin slowly looked up at him, and seemed to come back to life a little.

As soon as Dwalin began to shake, Oin came to the rescue. He ushered Dis out of the room, and sent a nurse and the interpreter into the room. The nurse took Dwalin's vitals again and tutted.

"What're some ways you can help him calm down?" he asked Bilbo and Nori, who looked at each other and shrugged.

"Usually at this point, it's too late and he has to ride it out," Bilbo said softly.

"That would be my advice as well," Nori added, "I know when I hit this stage it's too late to get me out of it."

The nurse nodded, then said, "We'll stay here just in case, if that's ok?"

"Of course, dear friend," Bilbo said.

The nurse took a seat on the stool at the end of the bed, and the interpreter chose the chair at the counter. Doctor Oin came in, and looked down at Thorin, who was still silently sitting on the floor.

"Thorin, I've asked Balin to come pick up your sister, knowing you certainly can't drive."

Thorin nodded.

"Is Balin going to see Dwalin too? I don't think he'd approve," Bilbo said to Oin.

"Of course not. We do generally respect paitents' requests, even if they're family." He nodded firmly.

Bilbo nodded. "So, Nori, have you and Dwalin been talking for awhile?"

"Sort of," Nori said, shaking off the emptiness he was feeling. He was starting to get anxious; seeing Dwalin go through this was starting to get to him.

"I understand you have classes together," Bilbo said, squeezing Dwalin's hand.

Dwalin nodded, and Nori was grateful for the response from him after the past fifteen of nothing.

"We do, History, Westron, and Photography."

Nodding again, Dwalin took both of his hands and covered his eyes.

"Lights," he grunted.

"Turn out the lights," Nori commanded, looking at Oin.

As soon as he did so, Dwalin said scratchingly, "I… fucking… hate this."

"Shhh," Nori whispered. "You'll be better soon." He gently kissed Dwalins cheek, and Dwalin found his hand again and gave it a squeeze.

* * *

After the worst was over, and Dwalin could stand the lights again, Oin, the nurse, and interpreter left. Bilbo patted his hand and hopped off the bed, pulling Thorin up off the floor.

"Call me when you guys can come home, ok?" he said, smiling at Nori.

Nori nodded. "Thanks."

Dwalin signed 'thank you' as well, and both Bilbo and Thorin nodded in return.

"Some first date," Nori joked to Dwalin after they had left.

He snorted, then wrote, 'Next date will be better, I promise.'


End file.
